Saturday, April 23, 2005


In the news

Q. How do you make a bad hangover worse?

A. Read Mark Lawson in the Guardian.

The superior and oh-so clever columnist turned his big brain today to the question of election blogs. Here's a sample of what he had to say:

"Blogworld most resembles a radio phone-in for leftwing men but without a Victoria Derbyshire or Brian Hayes to interrupt the callers who lose the thread and start to free-associate."

Fair comment maybe. But not coming from Mr Establishment Media Bore himself it's not, as it's obvious to us with normal size brains that the web is kicking shit out of traditional media in this election campaign.
All that fawning over parties and their leaders and hanging on their every word and then ramming it down our throats. Isn't that all a bit 20th Century Mark?

A lot better in The Guardian was Jonathan Freedland finding out where the phrase "hard working families" came from. Looks like it came from the Clinton '92 campaign, which probably means it was another piece of James Carvill's handiwork. That's the man who figured out that the easiest way to get progressives elected was to turn them into Conservatives and tell everyone they weren't. Great idea, thanks for that James.

The BBC attended the BNP manifesto launch today (St Georges Day). has uncovered Blair fibbing again.


Quote of the week

"How come the prime minister can write a letter of condolence to Ozzy Osbourne after he falls off a quad bike, but can't write to families bereaved by the war, or visit the wounded?"
Bereaved father and PPC for Sedgefield, Reg Keys


Avonmouth: Cook and Naysmith in retreat

The fight for the Avonmouth Ward in the forthcoming local elections sensationally spilled on to the streets of Shirehampton today.
This mother of all election battles with day care campaigner and unrepentant socialist Steve "The Avon Mouth" Norman in the red corner and New Labour modernising yes-man Terry "Family Man" Cook in the blue corner, is shaping up to be the big-money bout in the city council elections.
Earlier today Terry Cook and Bristol North-West MP Doug Naysmith turned up outside Shirehampton's Co-Op for a hard morning's canvassing only for Norman and his sidekick, daycare protestor Graham, to roll up just minutes later outside the Somerfields opposite!
Some fairly polite banter then broke out between the factions. But when Norman decided to up the ante and bring his megaphone into the fray Cook and Naysmith scarpered sharpish, leaving the day care boys to canvass the good shopping folk of Shirehampton alone.
Norman reports a good response from the public, with over 300 hundred hands shaken and as many leaflets given out.
"They all seemed to know me from the telly," said a pleased Norman.
Are the Independents in business? Watch this space...

Friday, April 22, 2005


Who's fit and who's shit in Bristol East?

I have really, really tried to read the interviews with the Bristol East candidates but it's defeated me. Let's face it, life's too short to spend time reading what a bunch of weirdoes think about Post office closures in Easton.
It's not like anything will get done about it. The candidates basically fall into two categories. There's the ones who could get elected but don't really give a toss about Post Offices in Easton; they just give it some weasel words as it's election time and then will do fuck all if elected.
Then there's the others that probably do give a toss about Post Offices in Easton but haven't a hope of getting elected... C'est la vie.
Instead, in keeping with the general intellectual tone of this blog and the political gravitas of the moment, I've decided to look at the pictures instead.
"Who's fit and who's shit in Bristol East" will therefore be coming soon. This beauty pageant of candidates could well set the Bristol East campaign alight.
Already The Blogonian's all female focus group drawn from the finest pubs in Totterdown (entirely made up from the underepresented - in this election so far - drinking mums from bone idle families) have been hard at work.
Judgements so far include, "That Labour candidate, Kerry McCarthy, looks like a right slapper - the sort of woman who'd run off with your boyfriend."!
Could she be a cunning ploy by Labour to land the chav vote?
The full results of "Who's fit and who's shit" will be coming soon...


The yoof vote: an in-depth report

The Blogonian - leaving no stone unturned in their 24/7 effort to bring you the local election news that really counts - has procured a youth to reveal all about their voting intentions at this election.
Our eighteen year old adolescent layabout residing in inner-city Bristol has spent the first two weeks of the campaign claiming, "the whole thing is really boring, I ain't voting".
But the sheer excitement of the campaign and the charisma of our tremendous political leaders seems to have finally got to him.
"I fink I'm gonna vote Repect,"
he amazed everyone by announcing this week after allegedly sizing up the options.
Only one problem here though. He resides in Bristol West and there isn't a Respect candidate. Never mind - the boy he had an alternative - "I'll vote Green then," he said.
Just to confirm this totally impressive choice of leadership, he was handed a leaflet from Justin Quinell the Bristol West Green candidate.
so he looks for - ooh... maybe ten seconds - and announces, "I'm not fucking voting for someone who looks like that!"
Oh dear. Poor Justin. Maybe it's time for a makeover mate? Here at The Blogonian, our all-female election focus group - drawn from some of the finest pubs in Totterdown - are also saying those glasses and that moustache have to go.
Perhaps you could get your Green Party frontperson, Caroline Lucas to hand over some of that Goldsmith cash she's funded with to pay for some style tips?


Ghost writer watch

The poor sod forced to write Blair's campaign diary for him is developing a sense of humour. His entry for Monday reads:

"I could tell the minute I arrived at our hotel in Birmingham yesterday that I was not exactly the star attraction. The autograph hunters were there for Kylie who is currently on tour in Britain. It meant I was struggling to get the best out of my team who kept wandering off to join the groupies hanging around for a glimpse of Kylie. My press team were all singing “I'm spinning around.” Only they weren't."

Thursday, April 21, 2005


Election Heat

So to that vitally important issue... Which celebrity is backing what party then?

The Tories boast the usual set of deadbeats and wankers guaranteed to lose votes. Nutty novelist Frederick Forsyth, tosspot lyricist Sir Tim Rice, chefs Clarissa Dickson Wright, Marco Pierre White and Antony Worrall Thompson; former Spandau Ballet star Tony Hadley, and poncey actor and writer Julian Fellowes are all on their ‘list’.

The Greens meanwhile have a fan in Kate Ford – that’s Tracy Barlow in Corrie… Could be a vote winner!

Sensational broadcaster Nicholas Parsons, film critic Barry Norman and er, epidemiologist Sir Richard Doll are all backing the Lib Dems...

Whilst Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher is backing Labour. He says, “If the Conservatives get in, Phil Collins is threatening to come back and live here. And let's face it, none of us want that". Good point; well made mate. Tactical voters take note.

Veritarse, meanwhile, have produced the best quote on the matter. "I'm not sure if we go for celebrities really, we're more interested in real people,"
Veritarse spokesman Michael Harvey

Then there’s Respect. The Blogonian learns that no less than Harold Pinter, the Holland Park radical who’s now writing “fiercely direct and bald political poetry” (or so it says here) is a fan.
“I am pretty certain there is only one party I could vote for now, the Lib Dems, particularly in this constituency. I’m a great admirer of George Galloway, and I hope Respect, his party, does very well. But there’s no Respect candidate in Kensington and Chelsea,” booms the great socialist.


Toothbrushes in politics

A correspondent is amused by the Boris Johnson feature in The Times. They also wonder if this is the only example of a toothbrush making an appearance in the political process?
Indeed it is not. Here in Bristol we have a long and honourable tradition of toothbrushes and political debate.
Will we ever forget (unlikely, because I wouldn't let you) that glorious exchange in the council chamber some years ago between Lib Dem Councillor Kiely and Labour's Councillor Bill Martin?
It culminated with top debater Martin threatening Kiely with the immortal lines, "I'll shove a toothbrush so far up your arse you'll be able to clean your teeth with it."!
An unimpressed Kiely was so upset he involved m'learned friends in his reply...


Avonmouth: there could be trouble ahead

There's trouble brewing for the Labour Party in Avonmouth. The current Labour Councillor Pat Roberts - a lifetime member of the party - was cruelly deselected for the ward just a few months back.
It seems some off-message anti-war remarks fell foul of Bristol Labour's Unamerican Activities Committee who decided to send her packing. She was replaced by New Labour sycophant Terry Cook, who just happens to be husband of Bristol Labour very big-wig Clare Cook and brother-in-law of leader-in-waiting John Bees.
Terry's since been out dutifully campaigning in Avonmouth on his family's ultra-New Labour platform. But what's this on his campaign leaflet? A picture of current councillor Pat Roberts no less!
Pat is reputed to be less-than-impressed with this hypocrisy from Cook and his New Labour chums and views their cynical use of her as the final straw.
This could get bloody. A very, very pissed off Pat knows where all the bodies are buried in the Bristol Labour Party. We await events with interest...

Wednesday, April 20, 2005


Nothing funny out there

Nothing much funny or entertaining anywhere in the papers about the election today. Excepting perhaps the news stories about the gang of 4o moslems who threatened to lynch Galloway last night. Looks like he's really making some headway with that moslem vote down in East London.

The media campaign proper is just dull, dull, dull. Another day of Howard talking to us like we're a particularly recalcitrant infant school class and Tony Blair... Just what the fuck is Tony Blair doing? The Guardian diary reckons he's had botox. Could be. He looks weird, sounds weird, acts weird. Should he be allowed to run the country? Apparently you can decide...

In lieu of anything any good today, here's some more Boris. The resounding vote of confidence in his leader is very impressive.


Local independent news shows Post the way

Not much to feature today as I had to do a proper day's work with no access to the internet. So it's good to see some other independent people in Bristol are having a look at the election.
A crowd called over in East Bristol have kindly interviewed all their candidates for us. Very interesting too.
I've only glanced at it, but very New Labour Kerry McCarthy is good value. "I actually went out into the world and became a lawyer," says the giant of the Labour movement. And we learn she lives in East Bristol... In Redcliffe to be precise... Which is about as near as you can get to leafy Bristol West whilst being technically in Bristol East. Go girl!
Meanwhile Bristol's Stop the War Coalition have found out how all our Bristol MP's voted on the war and they've posted it up on Bristol Indymedia.
Of most interest is Bristol West's Valerie Davey's voting record. She says she voted against the war, everyone else says she abstained. Except that is The Evening Post, which is heroically maintaining its solidly dull editorial approach to everything - especially the election - and today printed word-for-word some tortuous Labour propaganda on Davey's voting record.
Read it here if you must.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


The Avon Mouth blasts Splinter Arse

Bad night for Valerie Davey at the HTV-organised debate for Bristol West candidates.
Deselected Labour councillor for Avonmouth, Pat Roberts, managed to steer the tightly managed debate off-topic and on to the elderly.
The idiot Davey then decides to deliver one of her soppy little homilies on how wonderful New Labour has been for the elderly... Bad idea.
Lurking in an audience - of mainly Labour Party activists - was no less than Day Care Campaigner Stephen "The Avon Mouth" Norman.
According to one audience member he gave it to Davey "with both barrels", describing her as the "new face of Thatcherism", a disgrace to the Labour Party and telling her in no uncertain terms what she's done for the city's most vulnerable elderly. ie. sweet F.A.
It'll be interesting to see if the scenes make HTV's final cut. We'll see tomorrow night at 11.00pm...
If they screen Norman's outburst it could be game over for Davey and judging by her ashen face after the event she knows it.
The other candidates - and much of the non-Labour audience - were cock-a-hoop. Independent Roy Tallis, Tory David Martin and Lib Dem Whatisname? all congratulated Norman on what is touted as quite a performance.
Bring it on HTV.


In the press...

Daft sod Boris Johnson got followed around Henley for a feature in The Times today. A brief sample...

“You’re cleaning your caravan with a toothbrush,” Boris said brightly.
Mr Spires, a man with enormous white sideburns, eyed Boris as if he had landed from another planet. “Will you be voting Conservative?” wondered Boris.
“No way, Jacko,” said Mr Spires.
“Right-ho,” said Boris. “Jolly good. Carry on toothbrushing.”

Read the whole thing here

Meanwhile in The Guardian the idiot Monbiot has issued a missive that anybody anti-war should get out and vote for their local leftie fruit and nutcake candidate. This, he says, will show Blair exactly what we think... As if he'll fucking care with a majority of 100+

If you must read the upper class twit's view it's here

Locally, the Evening Post has its usual duller than dull one page of election bollocks. Today we're treated to a look at The Labour Party's city council manifesto. Very exciting.

On the web Respect are taking a hammering. Some people might like this

Alistair Campbell's blog is worth an eye

And even the BBC are wondering Do We Really Need An Election?


A few things to get started..

The big excitement 'round these parts is of course the three-way marginal in Bristol West. claims, on current polls, that the Lib Dems are ahead (Lib Dem 35.9%, Con 31%, Lab 26.7%).
Does this mean that poor sods in Bristol West better vote Lib Dem or the Tories get in?
Our other three seats - Bristol South, East and North West are of course safe Labour seats. Or are they?
Rumours coming out of Labour's Bristol HQ - where they've got hoardes of underpaid students phoning supporters day and night - suggest that people who voted Labour last time are fairly evenly split three ways. Those definitely voting Labour, those definitely not voting Labour and the don't knows.
If the definitely nots keep their word then these safe seats begin to look distictly marginal... Maybe all those Green, Independent, Respect and socialist voters should take note. Is it time for a tactical vote?
Finally, over in Bristol East we have something of a minor phenomenon as it has one of only 26 anti-war, pro-religion, very leftie Respect candidates running in the election - Paulette North.
The party has been getting quite a bit of publicity as "Gorgeous" George Galloway is their candidate in Bow, East London where he's taking on ultra-Blairite Babe Oona King. There's a great hatchet job on Gorgeous George by the Sunday Times's AA Gill here
Is this a Tory press stitch-up? Or does he deserve everything he gets? And how will Respect do in Bristol?


Welcome to The Blogonian

Welcome to The Blogonian, Bristol's only weblog for the elections in 2005. This blog will take a close look at the forthcoming city council elections and the general election from a Bristol angle. It will also feature any other election related stuff that I feel like chucking up here.
Feel free to join in - add your comments and opinions.

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